“Non-binary? What’s that?” The Challenges of Dating as a Non-Binary Person
You’ve definitely seen the age-old trope in TV shows, in real-life conversations of folks lamenting being anyone’s “first time”. The embarrassment, fear, worry that there’s a huge expectation and the emotional commitment is enough to steer most people away.
Dating as a queer person in the midwest (although, this is mostly true no matter where you are because the midwest is in fact, very very gay) has its challenges, but nothing truly compares to navigating online dating as a nonbinary person. The apps, the people, the dates, and the actual dating itself all hold unique challenges that vary from nonbinary person to nonbinary person because we as a community contain multitudes.
Online dating apps are a challenge for everyone, I’ll start with that. But for genderqueer, non-binary and transgender people are asking questions like “should we show you with men or women in search results?” we tend to shut down. Because the answer is more complex and nuanced than most text boxes have space for. In real-life conversations with other non-binary folks, we’ve often said things along the lines of:
“I don’t know. I don’t want to be shown with women because I’m not a girl, but I don’t feel safe being shown with men because of transphobia. “
“I want to be shown to other non-binary and transgender folks and like, maybe women? And maybe some cis men?”
“I’d love to say I’m only interested in non-binary people, but the odds of finding community in my area are next to none, so if I want to date I really have to be open to a much wider dating pool than I want to be”
“I just don’t want people to ask me what being nonbinary is, is there a setting for that?”
Sadly, I’ve tried most dating apps, and there is not a setting for “I don’t want to educate you about my gender” to help filter results. And lately, it seems most folks don’t take the time to read my bio anyways, which usually means I won’t know what their vibe is until we match and start chatting (always a risk with online dating no matter who or where you are).
As a non-binary person, my least favorite place to be, that I’ve recently realized, is someone’s first time. I do not want to date someone who is going to use me as a launching pad for their own gender exploration. There may be some exceptions, but in general, dating people who are just hatching from their cisgender egg can be exhausting. There’s plenty to be said about folks navigating their sexual orientation as well, like “Am I still gay if you’re nonbinary?” I mean, probably! But it’s awkward to put that burden on me, don’t you think?
This is completely different in established relationships, where couples may navigate that together or with their polycule — with the right support, a gender exploration can be fun and exciting. That being said, I do not want to sit down for a meal on our first date and spend the next two hours listening to someone describe at great length their many wonderings about gender and “I’ve never felt entirely like my assigned gender — I guess you know what that’s like?” I do! But I just wanted to get pizza and hear about your dog, not dig deep into the very intimate and personal details of my gender experience and journey. Check, please.
If you want to know HOW to date a non-binary person, I’ve got your back, read my guide “How to Date a non-binary person” here. (spoiler, it’s pretty easy)
I understand that online dating, especially in a pandemic, has its own unique challenges. But I never anticipated the number of people, especially other queer people, who would slide into my DMs with their own gender crises and expect that to be our opening conversation. In my personal list of “Things I Do Not Want To Talk About” questions regarding my top surgery or gender are an automatic fail, and those folks will never move past the “just chatting” phase — and that’s okay.
Dating as a nonbinary person already means putting so much of myself out there — sharing my gender, my pronouns, and hoping people like what they see enough to chat with me. That being said, I am so much more than being non-binary, I have cats, I like to read fiction, and I play a lot of Stardew Valley — which are all things I mention in dating app bios in hopes of connecting with folks who might like those things too. My point is this, stop reducing non-binary people to our gender identity, see us for the varied community that we are, and you might just connect with some rad genderqueeros.
