You messed up! What to say when you misgender someone
“This is my coworker Rachel, she — sorry, I mean he, will be meeting with you today!”
Has this happened to you before? There are loads of scripts, templates and reminders for transgender people to correct people who use the wrong pronouns — but what should you do if YOU misgender someone?
Allies, other transgender, nonbinary and cisgender folks are all capable of misgendering people. Acting like nonbinary people or transgender folks are incapable of making mistakes further harms the community. We’ve all been there! So what should you do when you misgender someone?
If you misgender someone who is not in the room with you, i.e. you are talking about a friend in the third person, and misgender them in front of someone else.
You should:
- Pause, and make the correction: “And then my friend Travis said he — I mean she, would give me a ride home.” And move on.
- Be considerate and speak carefully.
- It can be helpful to practice telling stories about your friends when they’re not in the room to make sure to use their pronouns correctly.
- Do not tell the person you misgendered. It may feel correct to “tell on yourself” but really, people don’t want to know when you’ve made a mistake gendering them correctly, it’s more important to make the correction and not make the mistake again.
If you misgender someone in front of them, i.e. you are speaking about a friend while they are in the room and use the wrong pronouns, and they hear you.
Next steps:
- Pause, and make the correction: “And then Lydia said she’d grab my order — sorry, I mean, they said they’d grab my order”
- Do not make this mistake about you, and do not make a scene. People who apologize aggressively and demand people’s forgiveness for their mistake do not truly have the other person’s wellbeing in mind. And it can become a matter of safety.
- Stick to the example above, with little variation to make the correction as quickly as possible while still taking responsibility.
- It is appropriate to speak 1:1 with the person you misgendered and apologize, while taking responsibility, if you are not making the person uncomfortable.
Like this:
You: “Hey Lydia, can I talk to you quickly?”
Lydia: “Sure! What’s up?”
You: “I wanted to apologize for misgendering you earlier, that was my mistake and it won’t happen again. I’m sorry about that.”
Lydia: “Thanks for apologizing, I appreciate that!”
Author’s note: Do not force someone to speak with you 1:1 to apologize to them; if you are riddled with guilt, make a donation to the Marsha P Johnson institute and educate yourself on the importance of gendering transgender and nonbinary people correctly (it’s suicide prevention) — I promise it’ll help you to understand the weight of gendering people correctly, whether you know them or not. Remember, transgender and nonbinary people do not owe you forgiveness!
If you hear someone else misgendering someone, i.e. you are in a group of people and hear them misgender someone you know.
This is possibly one of the most crucial instances when I wish people would have advocated on my personal behalf with my pronouns. A reminder, don’t go and tell the person who was misgendered that this happened, it’s not necessary.
You should do the following:
- Pause the conversation, “hey — wait a second”
- Make the correction, “Mike’s pronouns are they/them, not she/her.”
- Repeat the statement using the correct pronouns, and enforce them if necessary, “I think you meant, “I’ll be watching Mike’s dog this weekend while they’re out of town,” instead.”
A few things will ideally happen here: the person who misgendered your friend will apologize, and make the correction themselves without you needing to repeat their statement back to them. On occasion, someone might not hear where they misgendered someone, so a quick re-wind of the conversation can help enforce the correction.
Looking for help on how to come out at work? I’ve got you! Check out my article here: “How to Come out as Transgender at Work”
Got more questions about gender? I offer “pick my brain” sessions about gender and other topics on my website for folks who have a basic understanding of gender but know there’s more they could be doing as an ally! Connect with me at www.itsjustliz.com or on twitter @itsjuustliz !
